Mind Bender
by Caffeine Induced
Summary: [NOT COMPLETE] An ordinary crime-fighting day for the Teen Titans goes horribly wrong when Raven finds herself in the clutches of their villian and looses her memories of earth. Will her friends help her memories back before something goes terribly wrong? [Based on the characters from the show, but has details from the comics as well]
1. 1 Not on Azarath Anymore

**Chapter 1: Not on Azarath Anymore**

Rachel wakes with a pounding head. She uses her blanket to muffle a moan and gets out of bed in search of some water and a herb to sooth her. The monks will have brought in a fresh bucket of water for the night but the herbs she'll have to go down to the garden and collect.

She's so dazed by sleep that she makes it four steps before realizing this is not her room, not her bed, and not her cat sleeping on the bed. Confused, she goes to the window that takes up an entire Wall and has a look outside. Not only is she not at the temple, but she is not on Azarath.

The stars are in all the wrong place and the world outside is coated in water as far as she can see. There is only one moon in the sky. Plenty of places have only one moon but she's never been to any of them. She's hardly ever even let out of the temple.

Taking stalk of her situation, Rachel runs through a few possibilities of exactly how she could have traveled to another planet, and how to get back. The best way is to open a portal, the only problem is they require a complicated ritual that harnesses immense power. She has the power but the monks haven't taught her to make portals yet.

As for how she got here, she doesn't have the slightest idea.

Right then. First she'll find out how she got here and maybe that'll be the key to getting back. As far as she can tell she's in no immediate danger. She knows what Trigon's realm looks like--not by experience though, thank Azar--and this is not it. Here she has a bed and a spacious room and a door that opens.

Rachel pets the sleeping cat. Its fur is green and it purrs, stretching in its sleep before settling down again. She wonders if all the animals here are green.

A close inspection of the door reveals it has no handle. Maybe she was too fast to assume she was safe--and what is she _w_ earing? Her cloak is supposed to be bone-white but it's . . . blue? Purple? Hard to tell in the near dark. Beneath that she's wearing a black leotard with long sleeves and a turtle neck.

She moves around the room in search of a mirror, which proves to be a mistake because she finds one--and her reflection is wrong. Her hair has been hacked off and her face and body are older, more womanly.

Jolted, she steps back just as her power lashes out against her say-so and shatters the mirror.

"Wha-what? I'm up."

Rachel whirls around and finds a short man with green skin and darker green hair sitting up on the bed. She blinks. She didn't feel him come in. It's still just the one life form of the cat she is sensing . . .

"You were a cat." Hardly the strangest thing to happen since she woke.

"Oh, hey, you're awake! Robin's had everyone take turns keeping watch. You've been asleep for a whole day!" Cat-man walks to the door and presses his hand to a small panel the lights up and opens the door. "Come on everyone should still be up."

She follows him into a well lit hall. "Where am I?"

"Infirmary," he says and gives her a funny look.

They stepped into a large room with a blue carpet, sofas, and the largest television she's ever seen. Her mom showed her a relic of one once, but technology like that is useless on Azarath. But not here aperantly, as there is a beautiful young woman sitting on the couch watching something on it.

"Hey, guys," Cat-man exclaims. "Guess who's up."

"Raven," the girl with pink hair flies over and touches down in front of Rachel. Her skin is tinged orange and her eyes are bright green. "Are you feeling the okay?"

"Yo Rae, you're just in time for dinner!" Someone comes from the kitchen area clearly visible. He is more machine than man, but his life force is just as individual as any others. "I'm making spaghetti."

Cat-man launches into and argument with Robot-man about meatballs and the pink haired girl starts talking a mile a minute, taking Rachel's hand and bouncing up and down.

Rachel pulls away and steps back from them. "Where am I?" She can't hide the panic in her voice.

Conversions cease.

"You're back at the tower, don'tyou remember?" Robot-man says carefully. "Let's go back to Infirmary, I should double check everything. Maybe a concussion."

Rachel steps back when he steps forward. Silence falls again and the three look at her with surprise. Heart beating faster, Rachel tries again. "How did I get here? I need to go back."

Silence is their response and that's when Rachel really does start to panic. Her hands begin to crackle with nervous energy. "You have to take me back, it's important."

Someone else enters, stepping out of the elevator. This one would be the most normal looking of the bunch were he not wearing a mask.

He takes in the situation, his eyes flicking from Rachel's hands, to her face, to the trio. From the way he eases himself within arms reach of his friends but eyes fully on her, she'd say he's the one in charge.

"Talk to me Raven."

"Where am I?" she demands once more. She still hasn't gotten a straight answer and she's getting sick of asking.

In a hushed voice, Robot-man says to the leader, "We need to get her back to the infirmary. Looks like Bender did something after all."

The leader nods and says, "Raven, it's okay. You're safe here, you're at the T-tower."

"No," she replies and clarifies her question. "What _planet_ is this? Which dimension? Where have you brought me?" The crackling energy stretches up to her elbows.

"You're on earth. We're you're friends." His eye flick to her hands. "I need you to calm down."

She does anything but. "Earth," she repeats. "No, I can't be here. Take me back, I have to go back."

Earth is where she was born, where he mother is from. Earth is the place Trigon wants her help to conquer. She can not be here.

"You don't understand."

What they say next, she doesn't hear. Barely managing to keep a grasp on her powers, she pushes energy at them, knocking them out of her way.

She turns and runs to the wall of glass but the girl flies forward, blocking her path. Rachel is so surprised that she instinctively throws a bolt of energy at her that knocks her to the floor.

The girl cries out and stares up at Rachel in a way she is used to: like she's a monster.

"Starfire!" the leader shouts, struggling to his feet.

"I'm sorry," Rachel says to the girl, then lashes out at the glass that shatters on her command.

She flies out the window just as the others reach their fallen friend.

Rachel flies off what she can now see is an island and back toward the mainland that's lit up against the night sky.

She doesn't know how, but she needs to leave this place before her father finds out where she is. Unless he's somehow responsible for this. A chilling thought, but an unlikely possibility.

Surging forward, she frowns at the guilt that's readily settled into her stomach. She didn't mean to hurt the girl. After all these years with monks, why is her first instinct always to hurt people?

She was raised better than this but her blood is tainted in a way she doesn't fully understand.

Why is she such a monster?


	2. 2 'Probably' is Never Good Enough

**Chapter 2: 'Probably' is Never Good Enough**

As leader of the Titans, Dick has always taken it upon himself to oversee current and future cases they may be working on. Mind Bender is one he's had in his pile for a while.

The police suspect him kidnapping and armed robberies but have not been able to make an arrest because. as far as anyone can tell, he has not actually committed any crimes.

Choice people he comes into contact with seem to of their own free will go off and rob a bank, then show up at ththe station hours later and no cash in sight. They confess of having done it all but after a few days they tell a different story. They don't even remember robbing the banks in the first place.

Mind Bender does something to people. It's like he gets inside their head and later makes them forget.

After the third robbery this month Robin decided enough was enough and went out in search of the man. Cyborg had the idea that maybe he has to linger in order for the effects of his mind bending to take full effect and he was right.

Together the two of them were able to find footage of him stalking his victims for a week after they confessed to their crimes and awaited sentencing. Enough to arrest him.

Needless to say, he did not go quietly.

Bender was a janitor at a middle school, and that's where he was when they found him. He evaded them for a minute or two, long enough to climb atop a school bus and fond himself surrounded.

"It's over Bender," Robin said. "You have no where to go now. Turn yourself in."

"Think again, Titans."

On his command, children filed out of the bus and marched towards the Titans. They weren't exactly threatening and it was soon clear Bender didn't expect them to be.

The children were clear eyed and fully aware of what they were doing, like they _wanted_ to be doing it.

They started trying to kill themselves.

Robin went cold all over. Dread coiled in his stomach.

Starfire rushed toward the child closest to her, yanking a pair of scissors from his hand and disintegrating them with a power blast.

Thirty plus kids trying to kill themselves and the Titans hurried from child to child trying to restrain them.

While Robin tried to pull a large marble from a kids mouth he looked up and saw Bender jumping down from the bus, strolling away like he didn't just murder thirty kids.

Attempted murder, Robin corrected himself fiercely.

The others had their hands just as full as him.

"Dudes, he's totally getting away!" Beastboy cried. He was the shape of a giant octopus and held up eight children, all of them with their hands safely locked at their side.

Robin pulled a syringe of medication from his utility belt and pricked the child with it. She fell asleep instantly. He tossed a handful to Starfire who was flying back and forth between six kids.

Raven had children suspended in the air much like Beastboy, safely out of reach from anything.

"Cyborg," Robin commanded, "stop him."

While Robin used his own various methods to keep the kids at bay, Cyborg had no problem catching up to Bender and hauling him back.

No one breathed easy until all the children were safely restrained.

"I'm out of the sleeping doses," Robin told them, watching some children squirm in the clutches of black energy or green tentacles.

"I'll take care of it," Raven said. Starting with the children she restrained, she lowered them one by one and touched their temples, causing them to fall asleep instantly.

"You're a sick dude," Cyborg told Bender. "They're just kids."

Raven said to Robin, "I don't know what it is. Their minds don't show signs of binding. I can't undo what's been done."

"Reverse it," Robin demanded of Bender, but Bender only laughed.

"Never."

"I can look into his mind," Raven said. "I'm sure I can learn what he did and then undo it."

Robin contemplated the morality of it. What Bender has done will fade in a few days and Robin knows first hand what it's like to have someone in his head . . . Just like Bender did--and continues to do--to the children.

"Do it."

With the prowl of a predator Raven slid in front of Bender. Instead of looking intimidated he actually smiled. "You're a powerful one."

Raven ignored him and placed a single hand on his head. "Don't fight it."

Bender laughed. "I recommend the same."

And then he grabbed her wrist and it was like all the energy was instantly drained from her. "Let's see how you fare against this one."

But as quickly as Bender had the upper hand, his smile morphed into an 'O' and he screamed like Robin never heard anyone do.

The rest is history. In the choas, Bender managed to escape after all and Cyborg carried an unconscious Raven back to the tower and checked up on her while Robin and the others helped the police sort out the children and explain why they would need to be kept restrained for the next few days.

Once they returned back to the tower Robin found Cyborg sitting a chair beside a still unconscious Raven.

"How's she looking?"

"I scanned her brain and everything came back as normal. Bender probably couldn't gain access to her mind. She's got some serious defenses."

"You did good work today Cy, go on and take a break, I'll stay with her for a while."

Cyborg and Raven have a bond Robin sometimes doesn't understand. Like brother and sister.

"Yeah, alright. It's my turn to make dinner anyway. How do you feel about spaghetti? It's Raven's favorite."

"Sounds great."

And now here they are. One Titan off the rails, another injured, loosea bunch of kids in the hospital, and the man responsible still running free.


	3. 3 Monsters Do Not Feel Guilt

**Chapter 3:** **Monsters Do Not Feel Guilt**

Earth is a strange place. Strange and beautiful.

When Rachel's mother talked about earth, she said it was loud and crowded and polluted. She never said it was beautiful and given her experiences here, maybe she didn't think it was. But as Rachel flies to the sparking lights on the shore and walks among its people, she thinks that's exactly what this place is.

Beautiful.

And she needs to leave if she wants to keep it that way.

Except she doesn't know how. Azarath isn't just on another planet, it's in a different dimension of sorts. She hasn't learned how to travel between worlds like this yet. She hasn't even learned how to control her powers let alone channel them.

Someone on this planet must know the ritual, she just has to find them.

As she walks on the crowded streets she gets more than a few second glances and some people even try to approach her. She's never been around so many people before so she finds herself nearly overwhelmed by the emotions of every passerby.

It's suffocating.

She'd much rather fly but she must find what she's looking for.

"Oh my God! It's one of the titans!"

Maybe just not in such a crowded place. "Back away," she tells them. "Please just back away."

A familiar surge of energy buzzes across her skin but for now it is under control. Surprisingly, the crowd does as she bids and she thinks maybe she unintentionally influenced their will.

Great. A day away from the monks and she's spiraling.

She turns and jogs away. She takes random turns and keeps going until the people thin and are gone completely.

She slows back to a walk and takes a few deep breaths. A green bird drops down in front of her.

She jumps and watches with awe as it transforms into the Cat-man from before. "Don't freak out," he says. "It's me, Beastboy."

Yes, that name is fitting.

She takes a step back. "Look, I'm sorry about what happened with your friend. She startled me. Is . . . is she okay?"

"I am the alright, friend Raven."

Surprised, Rachel looks up to find the girl from earlier hovering to her right. Too late, Rachel notices the four energy signatures surrounding her.

She spins until she's facing the leader. "I just want to go home, I didn't mean to cause trouble. Leave me alone."

"You are home," he tells her. "It's a long story but we'll tell it to you all if you'll let us."

She reaches out and senses their emotions. They seem genuine.

"You said you were my friends," she says.

"Yeah, except for Beastboy," Robot-man says with a smile.

No one has ever smiled at her like that before. If this is friendship then she wants to know more.

"Hey, not true!" Beastboy exclaims. "Rae and I are tight, we're like the best-est of friends."

Rachel relaxes and then so does the leader. The girl touches down.

"You seem to have lost some of your memory. Why don't we all introduce ourselves? I'm Robin."

"I am Starfire," Starfire says, looking like she wants to go in for a hug.

"I'm Cyborg."

"I'm Beastboy."

"I think I believe you, but I still need to go back to Azarath. It's not safe with me here."

"Because of your father," Robin says. "We know. The prophecy was already fulfilled."

"Yeah you totally kicked that guys butt," Beastboy says.

"I did?" That would explain why her body is changed, along with her hair.

"What's the last thing you remember?"

"I was with the monks. They were teaching me how to meditate but it was so boring I fell asleep."

"Raven, we have to tell you . . ." Robin trails off but then continues, "Azarath was destroyed by Trigon. It's why you came to earth in the first place."

"That's not possible," Rachel counters. "The land is protected he can't enter unless given passage."

Cyborg says softly, "You did."

She caused the destruction of her people? Not possible.

"You're lying," she decides. "I didn't kill all those people. My mother . . ."

Robin reaches for her and the others follow his lead but she summons a portal and stumbles through it to the first place she can think of: the room she woke up in.

The lights are on now so the room doesn't look so sinister anymore. She glances through the floor to ceiling windows but the light inside reflects back at her, along with her own reflection.

A killer?

She shakes her head and leaves the room. The halls all look the same but after a few minutes she finds her way to some stairs and goes up a level.

When she was here before she could feel the presence of magic, it sang to her bones. She follow the sense to one of many doors and presses her hand to the device next to it.

It slides open and instantly she knows this must be her room. The walls are painted a deep purple, the shades are drawn and the overhead lights are dimmed.

She turns the lights to full brightness and scans the room. There are shelves of objects and dark magic she flinches away from. There is a mess of books beside the bed and on other shelves.

One of those books has the ritual she needs.

With a wave of her hand the books come to her a flip their own pages. She narrows it down to three books before finding the right one.

She finds the ingredients on a well organized shelf and sets to work making the seal and practices the correct pronunciation of every word.

She hesitates to add the optional one-way effect that will close the portal as soon as she goes through.

Judging by the room, she seems to have made herself at home here. She opts for the round trip portal.

"Okay, okay, okay." She tries to calm herself. Getting even a single syllable wrong can have negative effects. But these friends of hers said her home is gone.

She needs to know.

And with that, she takes a seat in the center of the seal and open the portal. The door way to the other side at first refuses to open for her. It only allows the good.

"I need to see," she shouts. "Let me in!"

The seal complies and she stumbles forward, landing unsteady on her feet. She is staring at the ground while she gains her footing and she knows instantly this is not the same place she remembers. Beneath her feet is a cracked marble path. There are burn marks on it.

All is quiet.

Cold fear runs down her spine.

She has lived in fear always, so she looks up.

The sky is stained red, scarred from the presence of pure evil. The proud, gleaming white structures are no more, only a wall or a few choice pillars remain standing of every building. Fires burn still in a few choice areas. The people . . .

Only petrified ash remains of those who did not disintegrate in the fires. They are statues frozen in terror from an evil long since passed. An echo of what happened.

Of what she did.

Something inside replaces the fear. Guilt. Despair.

Her skin vibrates painfully. The demon layer beneath it itches to be free.

Twenty six thousand people lived here.

She did this.

Black lightening crackles across her skin.

For one moment, for one stupid, desperate moment, she thinks of her teachings and how she must keep herself under control.

 _People can get hurt_ , the monks told her.

But these people are dead. There is no one living here. And the only one that is doesn't deserve to be.

This place was beautiful.

She is monster.

"I did this," she whispers. Then she falls to her knees and releases the power pulsing inside.

The few standing structures that survived her father's rage do not survive hers. The petrified forms of the dead turn to ash and blow away with the sonic boom she unleashes.

She screams as she pushes every ounce of her power with one raging purpose, to destroy. Everything within a fifty mile radius is obliterated and the very air catches fire around her. The ground itself quivers at her power.

For a smouldering second she feels the demon that lurks within. If she were that monster she would not feel this pain and rage.

She doesn't _want_ to feel this way.

The only thing that prevents her from giving into her own darkness is the fatigue that slams down on her, knocking her unconscious.


	4. 4 The Help of A Friend?

**Chapter 4:** **The help of a . . . friend?**

The Titans search the city all night and come up with nothing. With the rising of the sun, Robin can't think of anywhere she would go. In Raven's mind, this planet is alien.

"Alright team," he says over the communicators, "Let's call it for now. Head back to the tower."

"No way, Robin," Cyborg says. "She's out here somewhere."

"Friend Raven is very afraid," Starfire agrees. "We can not leave her in such a distressing state."

"I know," Robin replies, "but we are not going to get anywhere on empty stomachs and no rest. We may even end up overlooking something important."

Two reluctant agreements come back to him. Beastboy hasn't said much but a quick check on Robin's tracker confirms he's heading back to the tracker.

Beastboy tends to get . . . touchy on the subject of Raven. He'll never admit it to Robin or Cyborg, but he has feeling for her. Maybe it's fear of rejection that keeps him from acting on those feelings but Robin is glad he doesn't. Getting involved with a friend you live and work with can get messy, as Robin himself learned the hard way.

Fully aware of how hypocritical it is, Robin gets back to the tower and while everyone goes to get some rest he orders chinese food for when they wake and pulls all the security footage of the incident with Mind Bender, trying to find any clues as to where he went.

He is able to catch him on three different traffic cameras before loosing him. He was on foot and headed north, but there's a whole lot of city to the north. And whose to say he even kept going in that direction? He was smart enough to get away with a few robberies before even being suspected in them so a little misdirection like going north when he want to go west is simple enough to conceive.

When Cyborg is finished recharging Robin will have him run a more sophisticated search for Bender.

Robin leans back and rubs his jaw.

Raven is another matter entirely. To figure out where she's gone he might as well spin a globe and go where his finger lands.

Okay, that is not entirely true. She is looking for a way to get back home. The Raven he knows could go there easily but she seems to be in a younger mind set: at least one and a half years younger, since she remembers being on Azarath only yesterday and hasn't even learned how to meditate yet.

Robin hops to his feet and makes his way to the Titans library. Beneath a choice shelf he pulls finds a safe and quickly punches in the code and pulls out one of four flashdrives.

He returns to the couch in the main area and pulls out his laptop and plugs in the device. A code and facial recognition flash on the screen before he's allowed to view the files.

Batman taught him he should always know his enemies--and his friends.

He skips over the file titled 'Weaknesses' and clicks on the one of her past.

 _Prior to joining the Teen Titans_ , _code name_ _Raven lived on Azarath where she was taught to hone her inherited skills and keep them in_ _check_. _Above all she was kept hidden from her father Trigon the Conquerer_. _Through her he sought to destroy earth._

 _After summoning her father to Azarath, she was taken to his realm where she stayed for three weeks before escaping to the place he could not follow: Earth._ _Upon arriving she sought the help of the Justice League to stop the coming of her father but they sensed darkne--_

Robin closes the laptop. Would she seek the Justice League again? Probably not. She wanted them for their strength, right now she needs magic.

To be safe he sends Bruce a message, telling him to call if she goes to him or the other members of the league.

He pulls up one of Cyborgs programs and sets it to run facial recognition through out the city. At least if she is still in Jump, they'll know.

Satisfied he has done all he can at the moment, Robin decided he should really get some sleep.

Before his head even hits the pillow, he receives a notification. Raven's energy signal has been detected leaving the tower.

 ** _Raven_**

In the shadow of the T-tower, Rachel sits on a large boulder, watching the waves crash beneath her again and again. Despite how relentless and unforgiving it looks, the water is actually very soothing.

Far more relaxing than she has ever found meditating to be. Even so, her mind and emotions can not fully settle and black energy crackles half heartedly across her skin. Shadows writhe at her feet.

She senses the approach of someone behind her. She knows it's the one in charge, the one called Robin. It's strange but she feels connected to him, like she knows his essence as a part of her own.

"I saw Azarath," she tells him without turning. Her voice sounds wrong. Hollow. "There's no one left."

She involuntarily pictures the petrified corpses, the ruins, and the flames. When she woke after releasing her pent up powerneven those were gone. She couldn't stand to be there any longer and returned to Earth, back to this tower.

A whole civilization wiped out. The only home she has ever known.

"I'm alone."

And that is the horrible truth of it. Even as she learns everyone who took care of her is dead, a tainted and selfish part of her only cares about how alone she is.

They probably screamed when her father came for them, but these tears are for herself.

She claps a hand over her own mouth as a sob escapes her. Her control slips further away.

She turns to Robin who is advancing. "Stay back."

"You are not alone. Come inside with me and we'll take care of this." He stubbornly presses forward and had she not drained her energy on Azarath, she is certain the pulses of energy swirling around her and occasionally hitting him would have killed.

Rachel tries to harness her abilities for the sake of him but it doesn't work, and he keeps coming forward.

"I dont want to hurt you," she says with a gasp. She takes a step back and feels the splash of the waves. Her heel finds the edge of the boulder and her instincts keep her from falling.

"Raven," he says calmly, eyes flitting to the amount of space left behind her on the boulder, "listen to what I'm saying."

"Stop calling me that! It's not my name!"

"I know that's not your name. It's just what you like to be called. Your real name is Rachel Roth. I know that because we are friends."

At the sound of her own name, the energy around her lulls long enough for Robin to get within two feet away.

He holds a hand out to her. "Let me help you."

The turmoil inside her continues to manifest itself around her. She nods, taking his hand.

Faster than she can processes, he pulls something from his belt and jabs it into her upper arm.

"Just a mild sedative," Robin says as the edges of her vision fade and he bodily lifts her off the ground. "You're okay."


	5. 5 We Try

**Chapter 5: We Try**

Rachel is getting really sick of passing out and waking up in strange places. Less strange now, she supposes, since this is the second time she has woken in this conspicuous tower.

As her eyes adjust to the daylight streaming in through the floor to ceiling windows, she sits up and again takes stalk of her situation.

Same infirmary room as before. Same people as before.

Robin is standing at the foot of the bed and the metal man--Cyborg, she remembers--is standing in front of the closed door. Beastboy is standing beside the tall girl who is leaning against the far wall.

Rachel swings her legs over the side of the bed and sits up but doesn't attempt to stand, understanding she would only put these people more on edge. She isn't strapped down as she expected to be so things are already off to a good start and she isn't going to mess it up this time.

"Sorry about that," Robin says, when she examines the bruise made by the needle he jabbed into her arm. It is nearly gone, her demon blood healing her.

She folds her hands and stares down at her fingers, emberassed. She knows why he had to do it. "Sometimes I can't control it."

"Are you in control now?" he asks, fully in what she is learning to be his leader mode.

"Yes." She forces herself to look up and meet each of their gazes, nervously tucking hair behind her ear. "I am sorry about over reacting. I remember Azarath, and then nothing. What happened to me?"

"Uh," Beastboy scratches his ear. "That's a long complicated story."

"Start at the beginning," she suggests, "and I'll do my best to understand."

So they tell her the story of five misfit teenagers who came together in order to fight crime and protect a city they called home. As for more recent events they tell her of the man they call Mind Bender and how she came to loose her memories.

After the long winded explanation, the four wait to see her reaction. Rachel is surprised by everything she is told to have lived. She finds most of it unlikely but knows it to be true if it comes from these four.

She inhales and exhales. "Okay."

"Okay?" Cyborg asks, disbelieving.

"You're not going to freak out again?" Beastboy asks, receiving a glare from Cyborg.

"I won't freak out," she says, not blaming them for being skeptical. "Now how do we fix me?"

"We do not know," Starfire confesses, clearly distressed.

"You could just take me to a doctor," Rachel suggests.

"It's more complicated than that," Robin says. "Because you're half demon, no regular doctor will know how to treat you. You have provided Cyborg with that information to your fullest knowledge though so you are in good hands."

Rachel nods her consent.

Robin murmurs something to Beastboy and Starfire. Starfire goes over and gives Rachel a firm squeeze. "You will be the alright, friend Raven."

Rachel stiffens, surprised by the physical contact. No one ever touches her, and if they do, it is out of necessity and with barely concealed fear.

"We're going to set the plates for lunch," Beastboy says. "Come on out when you're done."

"See y'all in a bit," Cyborg says. "Now go! I need space to work." He points a finger at Robin. "You too Boy Wonder."

"Shout if you need anything," Robin says, reluctantly exiting.

Rachel gives up on figuring out if he is worried for her or worried about what she might do to Cyborg.

Cyborg gives Rachel a warm smile and some of her unease fades. For the next fifteen minutes he instructs her on the things he's testing, drawing blood and scanning her with various machines.

"So?" she asks into the silence that follows. The news is bad, she knows. She can feel his worry.

"Well, you're in perfect physical health save for some slowed reaction time, probably just fatigue."

"That makes sense, my powers would have healed me of everything else if I had been injured."

Everything except memory loss, apparently.

Rachel sighs. "What now?"

Cyborg mimics her sigh. The root of his worry.

"We are still looking for Mind Bender. Once we find him maybe he'll tell us what he did and undo it. Plus, the doctors at the hospital are also doing tests on other kids and people he did this too. In the meantime . . . Maybe your memories will return on their own."

"Oh . . ." Rachel struggles over how she should feel. She supposes she wants her memories back.

Cyborg takes a seat on the bed beside her and takes one of her hands in his. She jumps at the contact but no powers manifest. "Hey, don't worry. You'll be good as new in no time."

She nods. "I'm hungry, can we eat now?"

"Yeah, let's go. They're waiting for us."

"Am I really a super hero?" she asks as he leads her through the halls.

"Yeah, one of the best."

"Something tells me you're one of the best heroes I know," she tells him honestly. "I can see your soul, and it is as kind as it is strong."

He makes a funny face, kind of surprised and a little sad. "Thank you."

In the main room the three other Titans are chatting away and even Rachel, who knows nothing about them, can see their smiles are strained without having to read their emotions.

"Everything checks out," Cyborg tells them. "But it looks like we're playing a waiting game for the time being."

Distracting Rachel from their various reactions, Cyborg directs her to the utensils and points items out to her food he claims she likes. Once they are all seated, Rachel takes a few hesitant bites of her noodles, ignoring the glances she keeps receiving.

The first part of the meal is strained and while they make a few brave attempts at conversation there are several lulls that give away how unsure everyone is in the current situation.

People always act weird around Rachel but she is warmed by their effort and tries to put in a little more on her own part.

"I have a question," she announces and they all turn to her at the same time as if it were rehearsed. "What is _that_?"

She points to the ceiling where a slime covered . . . _something_ is inching its way over their heads, leaving a trail of said slim in its wake.

If nothing else it should make for an interesting story. She's never seen anything like it before or read about anything of the sort.

"That's Silkie," Beastboy says. "He's a mutant moth."

"A mutant moth larva," Cyborg clarifies.

Robin goes on to explain, "Killer Moth created thousands of them to help him take over the world but we stopped him. I can't speak for Killer Moth but Silkie is reformed now." He adds as an after thought, "Except when he doesn't get his bath, then he slimes on everyone's beds."

A single long clump of slime extends down before dropping onto the kitchen floor with a plop.

Rachel keeps her expression neutral. "Charming."

Apparently this is the right thing to say because tensions melt away and everyone soon falls into what Rachel thinks is their regular dynamic.

"BB, can you not eat like such a pig? You're getting tofu in my chow mein!" Cyborg exclaims.

Beastboy, who has indeed taken the form of a pig, pauses and looks up. "Sorry dude, I love me some Chinese food."

Cyborg shakes his head and cast a smile at everyone saying, "After this, what do y'all say we spent some time on the roof? Maybe play a round of volleyball?"

"That is a marvelous idea," Starfire beams, her smile like the sun.

"Actually why don't we see what Raven wants to do," Robin suggests. "Give her a chance to get to know us."

"Is volleyball a game?" Rachel asks.

Beastboy nods. "But we can go to a book store instead, or to a cafe, or to that park with the pond, or to--"

"I'd like to play volleyball," she interrupts. "I'm hardly ever allowed out of the temple so this will be fun." She offers a smile and receives four unreadable expressions in return.

She ducks her head. "Was it something I said?"

"No, it's just you don't really talk about yourself that much," Cyborg says.

"Like ever," Beastboy adds.

"I'll be quite before I say something else I will wish I hadn't when I get my memories back."

To that, the Titans offer assurances and then they all go onto the roof where they separate into two teams.

Robin and Cyborg are on one team and Raven is put with Beastboy and Starfire since she's never played before and they could use an extra body since everyone seems to believe Robin's skills count for two.

"Alright people," Cyborg says, "you know the rules. No powers! Star, that means no flying, and BB, do *not* turn into a gorilla again."

"You're already the size of one," Beastboy says in his own defense. "I was just evening the odds!"

They take it slow at first, instructing Rachel in all ways of the game and after a while she finally gets the hang of it. After the game is done, Rachel's team wins and in a victory celebration, Rachel joins Starfire and Beastboy in a team hug.

Like every other time Rachel has smiled or laughed during the game, she feels surprise come off of her friend-strangers. They do not comment on it but she feels she has done something wrong and doesn't say another word while they play another round.

Maybe she misread how at ease they are with her. She is still a demon after all, it should not come as a surprise. On Azarath no one was her friend. Why should the people here be?

Once the sun has set, Starfire shows Rachel to her room, the very one she left in shambles hours earlier, and the Tower shuts down for the night.

"Will you be the alright or would you like company? We can have a sleepover!"

Rachel actually would love the company, but she's learning her older self isn't partial to it. That in mind, she says, "I think I'm fine for now, thank you Starfire. Maybe tomorrow."

"Marvelous!" Starfire cheers and leaves Rachel to her own devices.

In the surprisingly comfortable silence, Rachel stands in the center of the room and carefully takes everything in, trying to deduce the type of person her older self is.

She didn't have a problem barging in here when she was looking to make a portal through dimension but now that everything is settled, she feels like an invader.

She timidly skims the shelves and occupied surfaces, willing something, _anything_ , to tickle her memory. She picks up one of the books from the bedside table and reads the marked page where she must have left off but quickly looses interest.

More than one of the books on the highest shelf gives off its own light so she grabs one but finds she can't read the title. The language is one she has never seen but something about it chills her blood and she quickly returns it to its rightful place.

She removes the cloak and leotard and climbs into the queen sized bed. She admires the white embroidered trim on the blanket, tracing the pattern with her fingers.

Eventually she falls to sleep. When she wakes up she is not back on Azarath.

Azarath is gone, she reminds herself.

One day she will be able to remember and not loose control but for now she sums it all up in three glazed words and is determined to move on with the day.

To rid her room of its gloom she opens the drapes. She can't do much for the decor but her older self can't get upset at her for simply letting in the light--if there was any, that is.

The lightening sky promises the coming sun but it has yet to appear so she takes a quick shower. When she's finishe she wraps herself in a towel and goes to the closet in search of something to wear.

Raven has far too many of the black leotards and blue cloaks to go with them but the others seem to favor their uniforms so out of obligation she pulls a leotard on and a cloak as well. If nothing else, the cloak is a familiar comfort.

She can sense the presence of the four others. They all seem to be moving around in the kitchen area. Strange since she remembers it being said they aren't morning people.

She reaches out her senses and feels their apprehension. To delay conversation with them she goes to the roof and watches the sun rise.

She decides she likes it. Not as much as the night sky with its moon and twinkling stars, but watching the colors of the sky change is mesmerizing.

It doesn't take long for Robin to come up. From the little time she has spent with him she thinks he must come up here to be alone. All tired leaders often seek peace and quiet.

Sighing, Rachel turns and makes to go with the others but he heads straight for her.

"I thought I'd find you up here."

"Do I come up here often?"

"Not too often, only when something is weighing on you."

She takes that as an invitation to ask, "What's going to happen if I don't remember?"

"It will depend on a number of things, and a number of people," Robin replies.

"That is not an answer."

"The Titans have training to do. I want you to observe and jump in when you feel you're ready. You're powers are out of your control a lot of the time. Part of your daily regimen until you regain your memories will be to meditate for six hours a day."

She raises an eye brow in order to make it clear she is letting his avoidance of her question pass only for now. "The monks make me meditate for twelve hours of the day, so six is no problem. I can even do the twelve if it will give everyone some peace of mind." she replies. "Tea helps too."

Robin cracks a smile and hands her the mug he came up with. She murmurs a thank you and watches him over the brim.

"Twelve hours is too long. Besides, didn't you say you fell asleep while meditating?"

She shrugs sheepishly. "After the eight hour mark it gets to be too much. It tires my mind even though the monks say I should come out of it feeling refreshed."

She takes another sip and watches him struggle weather or not to ask what he wants to know.

Curiosity wins out a he asks, "How do you have time for anything else? Twelve hours is practically the whole day."

"I have plenty of time for myself, not that I'm allowed to do much. Eight hours of the day are mine since I only sleep about four hours a night . . ." she trails off, not sure if she should add the next bit.

The part about how her dreams are always--

"Because of the nightmares."

She blinks. "Yeah."

"You told me about them once. You sleep even less than I do," Robin explains.

"Oh." She tilts her head, considering him. He seems like the one most likely to be honest with her. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything,"

There is something about his expression that makes her believe it.

"Am I a good person? I look at you all and I don't understand how I fit."

If he is surprised by her question, he hides it well. "You try to be, like we all do. We all have our demons Rachel. We're all just trying to do better."

"Even Silkie, apparently," she montones.


	6. 6 Just Like Sunshine

**Chapter 6: Just Like Sunshine**

Robin stands quietly, looking at the view and patiently waiting for Raven to finish her cup of tea.

Once she's taken the last drink she nods, seemingly to herself, and says, "Okay, I'm ready."

She leads the way back down and Robin can't help but notice a difference in her step. They're less careful and more energized as opposed to before she lost her memory.

By Robins refined calculations she is about two years younger than the Raven they've all come to know. She's mentally fourteen years old but just as observant as always.

She asked what would happen if she never remembered and he doesn't really want to think about the answer. In her condition she has very loose control of her abilities and poses a sizable threat to innocent civilians--and the Titans, for that matter.

He's going to find a way to get her memories back. But if she doesn't . . . she'll need to convince him she can control herself or she'll be put somewhere where she can't hurt anyone.

Just until she gets herself under control, of course.

Grimly, it occurs to him that's exactly what the monks of Azarath tried to do. It didn't end so well for them.

Failure is not an option, he tells himself. Raven _will_ get her memories back.

The others are already in the training room when they arrive and Robin is glad to see they've all started their beginning warm-ups.

"Great initiative everyone," he praises.

"These muscles don't beef themselves up," Cyborg replies enthusiastically.

"You're made of metal," Beastboy tells him.

"And you're an elf, what's your point?"

Robin shakes his head as they launch into a string of half hearted insults. They don't stop their training so Robin doesn't bother putting a stop to their bickering.

Starfire is leg pressing about two tons and tilts her head back so she's seeing them upside down. "Good morning Raven, did you have the sweetest of dreams?"

"It was great, thank you for asking," Raven replies, tucking some hair behind her ear.

Yet another habit Robin never knew she had.

"For today I want you to just sit over there" --he points to an empty mat-- "and watch for a while, maybe something will jog your memory. If nothing seems familiar just meditate. I know you prefer to be alone while doing so but just put these in for some quiet."

She takes the earplugs and goes to the spot she was directed to and gets into her meditation pose. Robin frowns in her direction.

It's worrisome that she only gave the room a single look before beginning her meditation. One would think she doesn't want to remember, or maybe everything is _that_ unfamiliar.

Robin leads the others through their usual routine, finally ending with a scrimmage where each titan goes head to head with each member of their team.

Robin notices Raven flinch everytime someone lands a blow on another. Her eyes are closed but as an empath he realizes she must feel the shock of the blows everytime they land.

Robin curses himself. It was stupid to forget about her other senses. She hardly ever speaks of her empathic and telepathic abilities and Robin often forgets about them altogether.

He goes over and taps her shoulder. She's hovering in a sitting position so she is eye level with him.

"It's only been two hours," she says without opening her eyes.

"We're done for now Rachel, you can finish later."

She smiles. "Meditation doesn't really work like that. Now shoo, you're breaking my concentration."

Smiling, he tells himself. She does that more freely.

To the others titans he calls an end to the practice and they cheer. He gives them a heads up about Raven and then sets them loose.

"Raven will be meditating for another four hours. Don't disturb her." He gives Beastboy a pointed look.

Everyone leaves the training room except for Starfire who stays to do some stretches.

 **Rachel**

Meditating is harder than anyone would think. Rachel has been doing it since she was old enough to walk but still hasn't mastered it. She doubts she ever will.

In such an undistracted state thinking of home is inevitable.

Without warning she feels a swelling of wamth in her chest. She doesn't know where it comes from but it stays and helps her power through the remaining meditation time.

When she climbs back out of herself she gently touches down and is surprised to find Starfire hovering across from her.

"How long have you been there?"

Starfire opens her eyes. "I am most apologetic. I thought you might enjoy the company."

"Don't be sorry, thank you. Your energy is like the sunshine, it's very comforting."

Starfire looks away for a moment then looks back and asks, "You went to visit your home planet yesterday, did you not?"

Rachel's hair billows. "Yes."

"When Tamaran was at war it was most upsetting to see its cities destroyed and people enslaved."

"I'm sorry you had to see that."

Starfire flashes a bright smile. "But we both have found a home here on Earth where we have glorious friends."

"We must be blessed." Rachel smiles. "I've never had a friend before and now I have four."

Starfire let's out a minor squeal and lurches forward to embrace her. Rachel laughs and fully returns the embrace.

Once she's pulled away Starfire twirls in the air and says, "Now that we've completed the meditation would you like to go to the shopping of mall?"

"Sounds fun. What is it?"

"Oh it is a wonderful place where many things can be found. There are tiny stores inside a big store. They have clothing and shoes and all manner of culinary delights!"

"Lead the way," Rachel says, sharing in her enthusiasm.

The excitement fades once they arrive. There are people everywhere, for one thing. Starfire seems to bask in their attention so Rachel feels it would be rude to ask any of them to leave and yet when she tries to distance herself from them Starfire insists she come join them for the "signing of the body parts."

"You have said on more than one occasion you enjoy signing your name on the faces of the fans because they then belong to you."

Rachel grabs a marker and frowns at her friend. "That's . . . strange."

After their admirers filter away Starfire guides her through and takes her to different stores to help her pick out some shoes for her next visit to Tamaran.

After Starfire has several bag in hand she says, "Now we must go to your places of shopping!"

"Okay . . . How about that one?" Rachel points to a store with a few pairs of jeans and shirt on display.

Ordinary clothes, especially something not in black, will be a breath of fresh air.

"No, you do not enjoy that place." Starfire takes her by the hand and guides her to three other places.

Rachel knows she means well but it's hard to be told what you do and don't like. From her given options she goes to store with terrible lighting and equally terrible music playing over the speakers.

Starfire follows her patiently while she scans one rack after another. After a while everything starts to blur together so she grabs a few shirts at random just so they can leave.

She pays with the money she found in her room just like Starfire showed her and when they return to the tower they spend time styling the clothes various ways and modeling them for each other.

It's a relief when a noise sounds in the halls and red lights flash, what Starfire calls a "crime alert."

Robin tells Rachel to stay put and all four of her friends rush out with hasty promises to bring back donuts.

As soon as they're gone she throws herself onto the couch and sighs at the long day she's had. She never knew being herself could be so hard.,


	7. 7 I Want To Know You

**Author's Note: So . . . hi. sorry for the wait. Good news through, I actually know how this is going to end now. After this chapter there's only four left . . .**

 **Chapter 7: I Want To Know You**

In the following days Rachel developes a routine. She rises before the sun, showers, then heads into the kitchen in time to have a light meal with her friends before they go down to the training room and spar while she meditates.

Afterwards her day varies with how often the others get sent out on an alert. Usually she will find herself wandering the halls of the tower or studying the various items on display in their evidence room.

Today she heads into the kitchen, curious about how silent it is. She reaches out her senses and finds everyone asleep in their rooms expect for Robin who she finds moving around in the kitchen with purpose.

"Where is everyone?"

Robin cuts his whistling short and says,"We don't train on Sunday. I thought Beastboy told you."

"Maybe he did," she replies, taking a seat at the breakfast counter. "I sometimes block him out."

Robin smirks at that. "That's nothing new. How are you doing? You aren't spending much time with the others."

"They treat me strangely," she confesses, omitting the way she feel their conflicting emotions about her.

Robin cracks a few eggs then looks back at her. "How do you mean?"

"They look at me and it's like they're not really seeing me. Like I'm an echo." Rachel taps her nails against the counter. "You don't though."

"That's because you're you. People change through out their lives, it's normal. The others don't see it that way though, and you can't blame them for it. They just miss you."

Rachel watches in silence as he moves around the kitchen, stirring pots and chopping vegetables. Up until now she hasn't seen anyone actually use the kitchen. They've always just ordered in or gone out.

"Do you want some help?"

"Uh, no thanks."

"I can cook," she promises, reading his unease.

"It didn't end well the last time you tried. I'm almost done anyway," he replies. "But I'll make you a deal." He wipes his hands with a dish towel and rests his elbows on the counter. "You make more of an effort with the titans and I'll let you cook lunch tomorrow. Get to know them more personally." He sticks his hand out. "Deal?"

"Deal."

In a routine timed to perfection the other titans stumble into the kitchen just as Robin places the last dish on the table.

No one ever talks much in the mornings before their training but today everyone is in higher spirits and happily conversing. Rachel has a hand in the conversation as well then glances at Robin, remembering their deal.

He nods his encouragement which is what leads her to awkwardly approach Beastboy after they've finished a mid-day breakfast.

"Hey," she says.

Beastboy is examining a ketchup stain on his shirt but looks up when she speaks. "Oh, hey Rae. What's up?"

"Do you want to hang out for a while?" Feeling his surprise she explains, "Robin thinks sending time with everyone individually will help jog my memory."

"Yeah, okay. Let's . . . play chess!"

She nods, glad he accepted. They could both benefit from a little relaxinh. It makes her sad to think he's always making others laugh when he's often in need of the same.

"Is that one of those you play on the tv?"

"Nah, those are video games. Chess is a board game. You'll love it. You beat me every time we play." He looks again at the stain and says, "Let me just change my shirt and I'll meet you down in the library."

She's surprised to learn the library take up a whole floor of the tower. There's entire shelves dedicated to the personal interests of each Titans and likely for their hero stuff.

Sitting on a coffee table in a cozy spot among shelves is a book she knows must be her own as it's in the language of her home.

She hears Beast boy enter and finds her way to him through the maze. He's setting up miniature statues on a checkered board. "Come on, you get the black, I get the white."

She takes a seat and they both stare expectantly at the board. Rachel smiles, realizing neither of them have any idea how to play.

She feels the trickle of surprise from Beastboy. She raises her eyebrow in question and he says, "You never used to smile so much."

Rachel shrugs. "So how do we start?"

"I have no idea," he replies with utter confidence.

After near thirty minutes of attempting the game, Rachel tries to sooth an increasingly frustrated Beastboy.

"Sorry, I don't remember all the rules."

"Really Beastboy, it's fine. Let's play a video game instead. Neither of us even know what we're doing."

"Really?" he asks, looking skeptical.

"Yeah. We both know I would've won anyway. Wanna beat me at a video game instead?" Beastboy perks up and she challenges him to a race to the couch. "Winner gets to pick the game."

"You're so on!"

Beastboy turns into a tiny bird with wings flapping so fast they're a blur. He darts to the stairs and Rachel calmly stands, creating a portal to the living room.

When he arrives she's sitting on the couch, pretending to examine her nails.

"I win," she says.

Beastboy pops back into shape and lands on the couch.

They spend the next four hours racing cars on a track rigged with explosives and traps. Beastboy beats her every time and she eventually gets tired of losing and they call it quits when Starfire calls everyone for a special lunch she made from scratch.

"Don't eat _anything_ ," Beastboy whispers to her as they take in the sight and smell. "We're having takeout after she leaves."

Rachel takes her ques from the others and takes bites only when Starfire is looking and spits it into her napkin when she looks away.

After their meal Starfire leaves to donate the leftovers to local establishments while Cyborg insists they do the cleaning up for her.

As soon as she gone Cyborg goes to a cabinet and pulls out two greasy bags with an 'M' printed on them.

"Good thing her cooking masked the smell," Cyborg comments, distributing the food to everyone.

They go amout stuffing fries into their mouth and taking large bites if their burgers in between the hurried task of cleaning everything up. Once they're finished Beastboy collects everyone's trash and hurries to hide the evidence.

"Rav--chel, will you come to the security room?" Cyborg asks, "Robin and I put together some footage we think might help jog your memory."

She nods and follows them to a large room with a control panel stretching from wall to wall and coated with buttons in different sizes shapes and colors. There is also a giant screen not unlike the one in their living room except this one is divided into a grid with different views of inside and outside the tower.

"How many cameras do you have?" she wonders. There's got to be over a hundred of them!

Cyborg shrugs modestly but she can feel his pride rise up. "As many as we need."

Robin pulls out the chair and gestures for her to sit while Cyborg starts fiddling with the controls until one by one the screens change.

They show her how to switch the audio to whichever video she wants and then leave to let her begin.

Taking it all in is overwhelming so she clicks on the first video the catches her eye and enlarges it. She's fighting a dragon. Fascinated, she let's the video loop through twice before shaking her head. She doesn't remember a dragon.

Video after video of strange faces and strange places. In some if them she is battling side by side with her friends and doesn't even recognize herself.

She can barely sleep without shattering windows but on screen she's powerful and confident, wielding the shadow like they belong to her.

When she sees herself lift a trash can and hurl it at man dressed in spandex, Rachel flinches.

"Azar forgive me," she whispers.

Then there is the video of the day she lost her memories. It's shot from a ways away but she can make out exactly what seems to happen. For her the most unnerving part is when the children pour out of the bus as if sleepwalking.

Robin explained to her how Mind Bender messed with their heads too. Like her, they haven't returned to their normal selves but Robin has assured her that no one Bender messed with was back to normal until days later.

It's been eight days already. She's afraid to ask how much longer until they should really start to worry.

Leaning back in the chair, she forces herself to watch every video at least once. After a while her mind starts to wander a bit and in the videos the innocent bystanders running scared are replaced with men and women in white cloaks.

The shadows in the room quiver but when she imagines these people as her own it's easier to comprehend why Raven would fight to protect them. She can almost reconcile with how much she's changed, how far she has strayed from the pacifist teachings of the monks.

Finally finished, she stumbles out of the security room to find Robin leaning against the wall.

He looks up and smiles. She shakes her head wordlessly and he tilts his head in acknowledgment.

He told her yesterday about the bond they have, a psychic link of their minds brought about when she saved his life. It makes it easy for them to know what the other is feeling.

He's afraid for her.

"Do you know where Cyborg is? I haven't gotten the chance to hang out with him one on one yet."

"In the garage, he's doing some modifications to the T-Car."

Thanks to Robin insisting she memorize the layout of the tower she finds her way easily. Robin was probably thinking more on the larger scale of things--like if there was an intruder and she needed to hide--but so far it had just been helping her find the nearest bathrooms.

The garage is bigger than she expected. Besides an extensive collection of motorcycles, there's an actual spaceship, an airplane, and . . . is that a submarine?

The clatter of something falling to the ground and the curses that follow lead her around to a disassemble car where Cyborg is picking up the tools he dropped.

She helps him pick everything up. He thanks her for her help and then continues his work pausing only to asks, "Is anything coming back to you? Did anything in the videos tickling your memory?"

She shakes her head. "Not exactly."

"Want to elaborate on that?"

"No, I didn't Rembrandt anything. It's more like . . .When I'm with each of you, my heart settles. I feel like I _want_ to know you."

"But you don't."

"But I don't."

She pretends not to notice the disappointment he's emitting. Then ask quickly as it comes, it's washed away by a different sort of pain.

Cyborg grabs a tool off the hood and ducks under the car.

Shadows quiver as a reaction to her feeling his emotions and Rachel tries figuring out how to make him feel better. She's making him feel like this. She makes them all feel terrible.

"I'll start training tomorrow."

Cyborg slides out of under the car. "Really?"

"Yes," she decides, nodding firmly. "It's bound to bring something back. We fight crime so it must tie into a lot of my memories."

A trickle of hope enters Cyborg's emotions and Rachel smiles, pushing away her uncertainty. Pacifism has always been one of the pillars in her teachings but so is helping people, putting them in front of herself.


End file.
